This mental prayer meditation, “Jesus You love me even when I let You down” speaks of the tenderness God shows when we come to Him remorsefully and seek forgiveness after breaking a promise. This is a tender moment in adoration that I want to share while I was praying my mental prayer.
One does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.
I Came to See You with a Heavy Heart
Jesus you Love me and I know it, but sometimes when I fail and I’m ashamed I want to hide from You. Today I broke my fast.
I woke hungry, and was unable to focus in my morning prayer. All I could think about was food. And then I ate, and my heart sank. Lord I feel the weight of it all. I look around me and I see the brokenness in our world, the evil, and the suffering. The news everyday tells me that the world is heading to war. The prophesies all say the worst is yet to come. Worst the world has ever gotten so will it be in just a few short years. So my fear escalated and my heart, so wanting to please You, decided I must fast in order to appease your wrath and protect my loved ones, my community, and my country from doom.
Jesus, our leaders do evil. The do not follow your law. They do not honor You in public places, nor do they worship You in truth and love. These people who embrace evil, they seem to be in every country, running our major cities, and even on our school boards. We see evil in the banking system, in our churches, our schools, and even in the hospitals.
So I fasted. I thought I must do violence to my body to save our world. If only I would do these mortifications then your wrath might not come, or come with more mercy, and my loved ones who ignore You and avoid You might be spared the pain that is coming.
I Failed You Jesus
So this was the state of my soul when I ate the food.
I ate the breakfast and then I ate the lunch.
And then, as if eating to the brim above my necessities wasn’t enough betrayal of my promise to suffer, I took an entire bag of corn chips and devoured the whole thing.
I did this. I did it while watching a podcast about the end of the world and the prophesies of all the saints who went before us and who trembled at the visions. I ate and ate and ate as I listened to the doom and gloom.
Then a most horrible experience came over me. I looked into the bag and there was but one chip left.
I had a deep shame. Of course You already know this, Jesus. For You were with me on that couch watching me eat every last crumb. You were with me but I was not with You.
So the 3 o’clock hour approached. I didn’t want to go. I was ashamed to show my face. But I had made a promise to pray the Divine Mercy with You in the chapel every day at 3 o’clock until your resurrection.
I had already eaten the food until my stomach expanded wide. I could in no way avoid your gaze on top of it all.
No.
I would go and face You.
Jesus said to his disciples: “In praying, do not babble like the pagans, who think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them. Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. This is how you are to pray: 'Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.' If you forgive men their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.”
Jesus I let You Down
I shuffled in as the bells were ringing. The leader had already begun the prayer. I scurried without a proper greeting to You and in shame I kept my head bowed.
But I felt your gaze.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, have mercy on me….
And on the whole world.
The recitation ended and the adorers began to depart one by one. I lingered.
I knew You had something to tell me.
I spoke to You from my heart. I said, “Jesus, I’m sorry I broke fast in my stress and ate the chips. I had anxiety about the future to come and fear made me want to mindlessly eat. Teach me to trust in You even in most catastrophic suffering. Help me not to worry about my needs. Let me be at peace and my family saved. Thank You Jesus.”
Jesus You Love Me, You Answer
Then you spoke to my heart and moved my soul toward a most perfect joy. I don’t know how You do it. You are a most Loving Lord. I wish the world knew You. Oh how much grace You give Us when we lay bare our hearts before You, with our most miserable shame and failures.
You said, “Just console me, console me.” I understood so perfectly. I am not consoling You as You have asked. No. I am preoccupied with anxiety and with trying to appease Your judgement. No, Jesus, You want me to love You as You love me.
Your love is most beautiful. No soul can ever be loved by another human being in such a perfect intimate and fulfilling way. No. Only You can fill this emptiness in the human heart.
I sat with You. I felt Your peace. Then I prayed for the Holy Spirit to come and speak to me a special message so that I could know how best to console You as You desire in this time of lent.
You told me to open the Diary of Saint Faustina, to entry 618. Oh the joy when I read that passage! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!
What did You send me to ponder, but the very words of my saintly friend in spirit, who wrote in entry 618 the following:
At the beginning of Lent, I asked my confessor for some mortification for this time of fast. I was told not to cut down on my food, but, while eating, to meditate on how the Lord Jesus, on the Cross, accepted vinegar and gall. This would be my mortification. I did not know that this would be so beneficial to my soul. The benefit is that I am meditating constantly on His sorrowful Passion and so, while I am eating, I am not preoccupied with that I am eating, but I am reflecting on my Lord's death.
Jesus You Love Me
Jesus You love me. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. I know this was You, as it is no coincidence at all that I might pick the exact right paragraph in a 700 page book of paragraphs.
I am in my beginning of lent. It has only been 5 days. And I had just told You that in my anxiety I am eating mindlessly.
You simply told me to eat, go ahead and eat. But eat mindfully. Eat while contemplating Your selfless perfect love for me, a love even unto death on a cross. You are telling me that You also were given vinegar and gall. Yet You persevered for love of Me. So if I too must drink the vinegar I will be given the grace for love of You.
And Jesus, You made me smile and even to laugh. Because Jesus, if I contemplate your Passion while eating there is no way I can eat without being present to You and no way I can justify eating junk.
Oh my Jesus, how I wish those who never pray could understand what friendship with You is really like. I came into the chapel overwhelmed with anxiety and shame and You sent me out with peace, joy, and a full heart.
Thank You Jesus. It is my desire to console You and give back to You even just a tiny portion of the endless love You give to me. Jesus I trust in You. Teach me to trust You more. Thank you for forgiving me of my transgressions. You are so merciful to me.
On the Divine Will of God in Your Life
Jesus you love me and I pray that I can console You according to your divine will. I pray you give me the grace to do it.
If you liked this reflection, you may also like a personal reflection from Anonymous M about surrendering to Jesus with a diagnosis of anxiety and depression: Jesus, Guide my Anxious Heart and Mind Toward Peace.
On the Real Presence of Jesus
"The first announcement of the Eucharist divided the disciples, just as the announcement of the Passion scandalized them: 'This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?' The Eucharist and the Cross are stumbling blocks. It is the same mystery and it never ceases to be an occasion of division. 'Will you also go away?': the Lord's question echoes through the ages, as a loving invitation to discover that only he has 'the words of eternal life' and that to receive in faith the gift of his Eucharist is to receive the Lord himself."
"Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised from the dead, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us, is present in many ways to his Church: in his word, in his Church's prayer, 'where two or three are gathered in my name,' in the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned, in the sacraments of which he is the author, in the sacrifice of the Mass, and in the person of the minister. But 'he is present most especially in the Eucharistic species.' The mode of Christ's presence under the Eucharistic species is unique. It raises the Eucharist above all the sacraments as the perfection of the spiritual life and the end to which all the sacraments tend. In the most blessed sacrament of the Eucharist the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity, of our Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, the whole Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained. This presence is called 'real' - by which is not intended to exclude the other types of presence as if they could not be 'real' too, but because it is presence in the fullest sense: that is to say, it is a substantial presence by which Christ, God and man, makes himself wholly and entirely present." CCC 1373-1374