Controlling My Anger and Hurt with Patience and Love

Reflection:

St. Hildegard saw Anger with a man’s face, but everything else about her was monstrous. Her mouth was a scorpion’s, her eyes so distorted that the whites overwhelmed the pupils. Her arms and hands were human, but gnarled, with long fingernails reaching forward as if to claw. Her chest and back were shaped like a crab’s shell. Her shins were a locust’s, her feet a viper’s. She was tangled inside a great turning wheel, gripping the top rim with her hands and bracing the bottom rim with her feet—never walking forward, only spinning in place. She was trapped by the same fury that she thought was carrying her somewhere. This is the monstrous shape anger takes in a soul. 

Anger’s own words: “I will cast down and trample underfoot anything that hurts me… For I will wound you with my sword and I will beat you with my clubs.” 

Liber Vitae Meritorum, Part 1, Section 11, Para. 22, trans. Hozeski

From Ignavia to Anger: When Silence Finally Breaks

St. Hildegard doesn’t say Anger grows directly out of Ignavia the way Hard-Heartedness grew out of Jesting’s exhaustion. She calls Anger a “neighbor” to Slothfulness instead—living alongside her, not produced by her in a straight line. And that fits, doesn’t it? Last week we met a soul that calculated the cost of standing up and chose silence instead, again and again. But nothing stays buried forever. All that swallowed anger, all those moments we told ourselves it wasn’t worth the conflict—it doesn’t simply disappear. It waits next door, and eventually it finds its way out, usually sideways, and usually at the worst possible moment. Ignavia and Anger aren’t cause and effect so much as two rooms in the same house: the soul that won’t speak up when it should, and the soul that finally explodes when it shouldn’t. Both are still, in the end, refusing to hand the moment over to God. 

Have you ever felt yourself spinning out of control? Anger is a trap. You feel you need to let it out or you will just burst, and in the moment it might feel so freeing to just let it all out, but then afterward you feel trapped by the fury you thought was setting you free.

We have all done something rash in the heat of the moment. Anger can escalate so badly sometimes that you’ll even be blinded by your emotional state and lose control of your ability to remain rational. Sometimes anger grows slowly over time, like a secret resentment toward someone who constantly devalues you, and one day you decided to execute justice with your tongue. Maybe your anger at a person even came to physical blows. Every act of losing control and lashing out in anger always results in remorse afterward.  

Our conscience knows we shouldn’t lose control of our temper. It blinds us from justice and leads us to irrational acts. Anger operates out of fear. Patience, however, is a virtue of merciful love. Patience brings about perfect justice through peaceful perseverance in a time of trial. We stand up for what is right in God’s eyes, peacefully, and with merciful love. We desire the justice that God wills and not our own angry revenge.

The Bible tells us the Lord is slow to anger and abounding in mercy, and that he doesn’t deal with us according to what we deserve (Psalm 103:8-10). How can we grow in patience and imitate this holy, persevering kind of love? The Bible offers many examples of holy patience. The most extreme is perhaps the prophet Jeremiah.

The Tower Anger Builds

Patience says something easy to rush past: “When you build your tower I will destroy it with one word and scatter everything in it. You will be destroyed; I, however, will remain for eternity”

Liber Vitae Meritorum, Part 1, Section 12, Para. 23, trans. Hozeski

Anger doesn’t just lash out — she builds. Every grudge held, every score kept, every moment of “I’ll show them” adds another stone. It feels like strength. It feels like protection. But it is a tower with no foundation in God, and Patience promises it will not stand.

This is not a new image in Scripture. It is the tower of Babel — a monument built by human pride, reaching upward without God, and scattered the moment it forgot who it was building for (Genesis 11:1-9). Anger’s tower is Babel in miniature: a private monument to being wronged, built one resentment at a time.

St. Hildegard will show us later in this series exactly where an unchecked tower like this can lead — a soul so given over to itself that it no longer has a body at all, only walls, windows, and grasping hands reaching for nothing but itself. We are not there yet.  But it is worth remembering, here at Week 6, that God gives us patience precisely so that we can’t lay the foundation for a tower we will later build to completely shut ourselves off from grace.

The Holy Virtue of Patience in the Prophet Jeremiah

Known as the weeping prophet, Jeremiah served the Lord with patience and love for over 50 years. His prophecies eventually came true and his countrymen eventually did repent but this was not until after Jeremiah’s life had violently ended. He never saw the fruits of the mission God had given him. Jeremiah spent his life begging the people of his generation to repent and turn from their evil ways. He constantly warned that the Lord would seek justice against them for their sins. Jeremiah never backed down and he did not compromise his message of repentance. He persevered with patience.

Opposing Anger and Malice

Jeremiah’s countrymen couldn’t handle the truth of his messages. Their anger and malice led them to commit many evils against him. His own family plotted to kill him (Jeremiah 1:8, 11:21-23, 12:6). His countrymen struck him and put him in the stocks (Jeremiah 20:1-3), a mob attacked him (Jeremiah 26:1-9), and the King even threatened him (Jeremiah 36:26). But Jeremiah never wavered. With great patience and love for God and his people, he continued his mission. Finally, the people stoned him to death in Egypt after years of uncontrolled anger and rage escalated to the point of murder. 

God’s Patience

God waits patiently for our repentance. God is patient, merciful, and slow to anger. He calls us and waits for our response. He sends people to minister to us and help us see the error of our ways, so we might repent and turn toward a life of virtue. He doesn’t deal with us harshly. He lets us make bad decisions that lead to bad consequences, and even then, when we cry out to him, he offers us mercy and love. We serve a good God who deserves our praise.

In this way the prophet Jeremiah prefigures Christ. Jeremiah shows us how patience and love lead to sacrifice. Jesus shows us how sacrifice becomes an act of extreme radical love. In the face of pure evil, Jesus responds to the violent hatred of his executioners with peaceful perseverance, and even forgiving them while dying on the Cross.

St. Hildegard describes patience as the virtue that “produces the flowers and fruits of all the virtues.” Patience allows us to persevere while we are suffering. We accomplish patience when the virtue of charity is already in our hearts because patience is born from the virtue of charity. 

St. Hildegard gives Patience her own voice, and what she says is striking. She does not call herself strong, or stern, or unshakable, though she is all of those things. She calls herself balsam—poured out over the wound anger leaves behind. ‘I am the sweet air that brings forth greenery, producing the flowers and fruits of all the virtues,’ she says. ‘Everything I begin, I complete, since I persevere'” (Liber Vitae Meritorum, Part 1, Section 12, Para. 23, trans. Hozeski).

Patience in suffering is not the same as tolerating a person’s evil behavior. Human suffering is present in the world due to the effects of original sin. Yes, God may allow suffering for a season of your life. He will allow it as a consequence for your unrepentant sin, to keep you from greater suffering, or to bring about a greater good. But God never condones evil nor does he expect you to tolerate evil and go along with it for his sake. The virtue of patience is not a prolonged tolerance for the evil behavior of another person. Remember, the virtue of patience is exemplified in the life of the prophet Jeremiah who shows us how to have peaceful and prayerful perseverance throughout our lives despite every evil obstacle we encounter.  

It’s not enough for us to receive God’s transformational love; as Christians, we also have to give unconditional love to others, especially those who have injured us, and we stand firm in our faith with the virtue of patience. Sometimes our efforts may not be received in the way we would hope, and sometimes a very long period must pass before there is a change of heart and the opportunity for reconciliation. 

Sometimes, like with the prophet Jeremiah, we do not have a reconciliation or witness repentance by a loved one in our lifetime. Our patient perseverance should always come from a peaceful place of merciful love. We may receive anger but we must not retaliate with anger. Our patient love will plant a seed that may germinate and later sprout. This is why we hope beyond hope for the conversion of our loved ones away from God. 

Have patience!

Going Further:

If you feel yourself in exile, meditate on Jeremiah 29 this week. In verses 1-23 we read a message from the Lord of Hosts to the exiles in Babylon. He tells them the time period of their exile, tells them how to live, and gives them hope for their future. It is a message of love and mercy, and it is asking for the virtue of patience while in exile. Reflect, contemplate, dialogue with the Lord, and possibly journal about what this passage says, relating it to your own life.

Let us Pray:

Now that we understand the virtue of patience, let’s begin with a prayer of petition asking for it.